During manic episodes or mixed episodes – which are episodes where both the despair of depression and the insane agitation and impulsivity of mania are present at the same time, resulting in a state of rabid, uncontrollable energy coupled with racing horrible thoughts – people are sometimes led to kill themselves just to still the thoughts.
This energy may be absent in the deepest of depressions, whether bipolar or pure depression; the irony is that as people appear to improve, they often have a higher risk of suicide, because now they have the energy to carry out suicide plans. Actually, an alarming number of bipolar suicides are unintentional. Mania triggers wildly impulsive behaviours, powerful urges to push oneself to the utmost, to go to often dangerous extremes – like driving a hundred miles an hour, bingeing on drugs and alcohol, jumping out of windows, cutting and others. These extreme behaviours lead, often enough, to accidental death.
People aren’t either wicked or noble. They’re like chef’s salads, with good things and bad things chopped and mixed together in a vinaigrette of confusion and conflict.
It is likely I will die next to a pile of things I was meaning to read.
So, please, oh please, we beg, we pray, go throw your TV set away, and in its place you can install, a lovely bookcase on the wall.
I just don’t know what to do. For the longest time, I’ve thought all these intense feelings were normal. The more I think about it (ALL I CAN EVER DO IS THINK ABOUT IT) the more I realize that this has taken over my life. I’ve made a lot of poor knee-jerk choices because I fail under real pressure. I feel the world is so marvelous and fascinating. That existence is so unbelievable, yet that I can’t do anything meaningful with it. That I’m just wasting time. I know I have it better than others yet I just feel increasingly depressed.
Even finishing this and expressing this is tiring. I don’t like the thoughts I’ve been having as of late. I can only morbidly joke off so much. I kinda wanna seek help but I’m just not sure.